The Purpose of an Argument Is Not to Be Right

Most arguments begin with two people standing on the outer rings of a target, emotionally reacting, projecting, and trying to explain something they themselves may not yet fully understand.

The goal is not to stay on the outer rings.

The goal is to move toward the bullseye.

Toward precision.

Toward clarity.

Toward understanding.

An argument’s quest is not to be right.

It is to understand.

Too many people begin to raise their voice, energy, and projection because they want to be heard, and they want to be understood.

At the exact same time, the same thing is happening on the other end.

They want to be heard.

They want to be understood.

So being “right” is NOT the point of an argument.

The point is to gain clarity on precisely and exactly what another person’s point, view, and value around a topic actually is.

Likewise, arguing can also be intended for YOU to articulate yourself, your needs, and your view with greater and greater clarity, so the other person understands exactly what you are saying...while humbly appreciating that you yourself may not actually be fully clear yet either.

This is a chance to unpack your own thought process.

Assume up front that both parties are usually starting with:

• emotional generalities,

• emotional charge,

• and relative weakness in articulating the true core issue.

  
  

Most people feel something deeply before they can accurately explain it clearly.

So instead of seeing arguing as a battle to win, what if both people understood that arguing is actually a personal journey toward greater intellectual honesty?

At the same time, both people are attempting to understand the other person with increasing depth and clarity.

Like slowly moving from the outer ring of the target toward the bullseye.

This is actually one of the unspoken successes Lea and I have had over the years...mostly because of her tenacity to deeply understand exactly what is going on.

She wouldn’t let me hide.

She would relentlessly pursue the truth of my thought process, even when I was frustrated, unclear, emotional, or trying to move away from the deeper issue.

Over time, I began to understand the value of this.

And likewise, I learned how to notice when she wasn’t fully leaning into her true feelings, when eye contact would break, when emotion would shift, or when there was something deeper underneath the first reaction being expressed.

Not to “win.”

Not to dominate.

But to move closer to the bullseye together.

At first, people are often speaking from reaction, frustration, hurt, defensiveness, or emotional overload.

But if both people stay present long enough, clarity can begin to emerge.

The REAL issue starts becoming visible.

The REAL need starts becoming visible.

The REAL value underneath the emotion starts becoming visible.

THAT is the point of arguing.

Not emotional venting.

Not domination.

Not overpowering another person.

But greater understanding.

Greater clarity.

Greater honesty.

Because when people truly feel heard and understood, the nervous system often softens, emotional intensity decreases, and the need to “win” the argument starts to disappear.

The healthiest relationships are not the ones that never argue.

They are the ones that understand the true purpose of the argument in the first place.

For a Deeper Dive

If you’d like to sit with this a little longer, I also recorded a short reflection exploring this idea and how understanding often becomes available when both people stay present long enough to move toward the deeper issue.

→ Watch the Reflection