You’re Addicted to Injecting Your Values
I’m being cheeky with the title, but let’s pose a few questions.
How much do you like it when someone makes an unsolicited suggestion to you?
How much do you like it when someone gives you advice that you didn’t ask for?
How much do you like it when someone tells you what you should do?
I’ll bet...
I will bet...
You don’t like it.
I’ll even bet it irritates you, frustrates you, and maybe even angers you.
And rightly so.
Because what they are doing is injecting their values into your life situation.
If you have a strong sense of independence, or your personality is wired toward autonomy, this particular behaviour will drive you nuts.
When someone gives advice, offers suggestions, or shares their take on a situation, they are often doing so not with your values in mind, but through the lens of their values.
Most really good psychologists, trainers, coaches, and facilitators understand this deeply.
Which is why, for the most part, they ask questions instead of giving answers.
They become curious before they become certain.
They help you discover what matters to you rather than convincing you of what matters to them.
The Uncomfortable Part
Now here comes the uncomfortable part.
How often do you do the very thing that irritates you?
How often do you tell your spouse what they should do?
Your teenager?
Your employees?
Your friends?
Your clients?
How often are you injecting your values into someone else's life without first understanding theirs?
Your Values Are Yours
Most conflict isn't created because people have bad intentions.
It's created because they assume their values are universal.
Your version of success.
Your definition of responsibility.
Your pace.
Your priorities.
Your way of loving.
Your way of solving problems.
None of those are wrong.
They're simply yours.
The more emotionally charged we become, the more convinced we are that our values are the values.
And that's when curiosity disappears.
Imagine replacing, "Here's what I think you should do," with, "Help me understand what's important to you."
Perhaps the greatest shift in communication isn't becoming better at giving advice.
It's becoming better at understanding the values that already exist within the person sitting across from you.
Because people rarely need another person injecting values into their lives.
More often, they need someone who is willing to see them first.
Relationship Mastery 101.
Continue the Conversation
When was the last time you gave advice when what the other person really needed was to be understood?
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